Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Disillusioned - Part 2

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate, our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, "Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?" Actually, who are you not to be?"

This quote is from Beth's blog, a 'Beth' who left a comment on my first Disillusioned post, a 'Beth' I don't know but who reads my blog. She said this, in part, in her comment: "There's so many days where I feel the same way you do !!! And then one person will say one nice thing, and then I'm off and running again." I started blunt-force crying when I read that, which I think mostly is what I needed to do anyway but also from the sheer power of a kind word. Beth is so right.

When I got home, I found comments and e-mails from Miss V, most of which aren't -- uh -- reprintable here. Let's just say that I got her size 8.5 up my backside (in the kindest of ways, of course).

It's just that I feel so isolated, still. I guess I thought my blog, the act of blogging, would change that in some earth-shattering way. But actually it's kind of felt like a continuation of my journal, over all these years ... just plowing away in solitude and feeling like I'm FORCING my shite on people when I do display it. Those blog entries about my youngest male child's basketball game, then his shoes? Pfft if he wanted to READ them, just bandit the pictures for his MySpace site in order to show all the Hotties 'shopping' for studly males. If he doesn't read my stuff, how will he ever ever know how much I love him, how proud of him I am? He doesn't LISTEN to me these days, y'know? ... and my oldest male child? He still hasn't 'gotten around' to reading any of it. It's not important to them. And I always take that as I'M not important to them.

How do I learn to separate that? And how do I accept that at this stage they don't give a rat's ass who "Mom really is" cuz they're busy working on who THEY really are?

And nobody really comments, where I comment all the time. I had a HUGE anxiety attack about even that, my commenting, last night. Like, I'm one of those people for whom there is no stranger ... have been since I was pint-sized, I guess. Even when I'm in foreign countries and don't speak the language, I'm 'talking' to the locals. & my full being is in it: heart, intellect, sparkle, interest, curiosity, focus, listening, retention, interactive level. I do the same thing with the blogs I love and am loyal to -- comments, reaching out to the authors. But gee, I DO NOT KNOW THESE PEOPLE. Maybe all my Odie-Like-Electronic-Wagging [even if on their behalf] is actually just an intrusion! Or feels like stalking! Or 'too much'! How do I know they're not seeing my name and thinking, 'Eesh! Blimey! Shite! This broad thinks she's all IN my life!'

How do I learn ... to reduce, to lessen, to back off, to curb this Big Wowza Wench that I tend to become when I find something that rocks me?

I feel like a walking faux-pas, always making social gaffs due to my enthusiasm which causes me to lose track of other people's personal space margins. Makes me want to RUN into my journal corner and pull the shades and close the door and put my hood over my head.


Veronica said...

oh crap I can't see the screen without my glasses but I wanted to say WHO CARES if no one posts on our blogs we got each other right? What if it is just the two of us? Who cares? I will always be here to listen to you and I had to laugh so out loud at that comment on most of my emails you cant repost..hahaha so ture. Opps I am breaking my glasses by trying to hold them up to the screen and read... I will be back as soon as this hair dye is off my head 40 mintures or so... I can't see what I type

Veronica said...

oh sweetie, I want to hear about the shoes and I want to hear about it all. I want to see pictures of kevin licking his shoes and david and his melisa and your mom and Double b and Cam and Chris and Ciera and oh who can forget Zoe. I want it all. And I can tell you I look at who visits your blog and you have tons from all over the world. Some may be shy and dont feel comfortable leaving a comment and some may be unable to do so even if you have anonymous checked and some may yet not even know how. But they are here and they do read and they do see all your pictures and art.

Oh and the boys they love their mom and they do care about what you do you may not know it heck they may not even know it yet but they will.

And I care about you even more than you will ever know. Remember you are and always have been my kindred soul sister thicker than just sisters we have a kindred spirit between us.
I love you to the moon and back