Horizon

Two weeks ago, I joined an on-line group called "Illustration Friday". Every week, we receive an e-mailed prompt, just a word, and we are free to create -- whatever! This week's prompt word is "HORIZON".
My thought was that I create my own horizon -- via visualization, journaling, planning, goals, etc.
But also through keeping my focus/aim, being ingenious at making lemonade out of lemons, and with the grace of occasional good chance!

And then ...

A surge of sass, an 'oh please stop whining' blast ... an equal response, with comeback moxie: to myself, to my muse, to everyone & anyone who might have had a moment's doubt.

No Status Quo

I'm finding 46 to be a provocative, difficult age. It's almost as if being 16 again, adolescent, given the insecurities, the uncertainties ... when only a few weeks ago I wrote a poem about 'bones' and 'brave song of me'. The cycles of knowing who I am versus seeking external validation are killing me. This piece [45 minutes, not 10] is a cry to myself, a cry to my muse, a cry to my relationships one & all [established & new] -- I'm struggling to hold onto myself, so I need to be found, to be sought out, to be assured. It's aging, surely -- a very strenuous mental & emotional process of its own [who ever believes she will one day be 46?]. But there is also the intrusive knocking of menopause at my door, thrusting interruptions into a body & mind I had finally come to possess in an almost full capacity. Up down Up down the heart, along with a body sometimes so foreign to me in its changes that I feel like Mrs. Potato Head, as if some chubby little hand plunked my head down on the wrong spud but today I have to walk around in it anyway.

I will say that in my art [at last!!] I am finally learning to get below the surface -- it is no longer 'pretty pages', it is WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME. It doesn't always feel pretty, I promise. I think it is the time limit on the pieces - I work much more spontaneously, more quickly, WITHOUT ALL MY USUAL EDITING -- makes all the difference in the world with outcome. Much more revealing. I like it. And I'm scared to death of it.

Toni Afterthought

Had a bad evening last night with feeling isolated, left out ... Bobby called to say he was having drinks with some of the people from his new job. David at the gym. Kevin sitting hollering at his Xbox. This after a weekend when everywhere the guys went, they would say, 'Oh! Did you want to go?' as they were headed out the door. I mean, I'm standing there with hag hair & shredded jeans, paint all over my arms, shit drying on my desk, did it matter if I wanted to go? I want to be asked in advance, I guess, not just be an afterthought. So I said that -- "Hey, shoot, how 'bout you guys give me some advance idea of your plans, so I have the option of going without keeping everybody waiting, or being in the middle of a canvas!"

Miss Congeniality (10-Min Art)

As long as I'm smiling, sassy, talking, comical, life is good in everybody else's world (specific to work I mean). But let me be quiet, and 12 of the guys will ask, 'Are you pissed off?' ????????????? I've had a lot on my mind lately, including digesting this idea that others' have an ongoing expectation of my behavior, & constantly are interpreting it (I would have said NOBODY pays that close attention to me here). This morning as I sat putting on my makeup, I realized that there is actually a moment some [not all] mornings when I mentally visualize myself taking the Personality Battery off a wee charger beside my eyelash curler & slapping it into my thigh. I don't like to hear 'are you pissed off?' just because I'm in a quiet mood, or a fragile mood, or still half asleep -- but neither do I like explaining, 'Naw, I'm just feeling quiet.' I wonder why I, and most women, are always expected to be "ON". We must all be wearing a Miss Congeniality Sash that only men/others can see.

Two Recent Journal Entries

The aviator woman is a photo I've had for over a year, didn't have a clue what this collage was going to turn out to be but it cracks me up! I haven't done a collage at all since I stopped subscribing to the newspaper about 3 months ago.
The second was an excuse to use some of the things I found while camping, and I love these old statuary angels (this came from a transparency sheet I bought from Stampington). The photo of the flowers/pod-like stems is one I took out of FOCUS magazine but even though I carefully wrote down the name of the photographer, I promptly proceeded to lose it. Anyway, I didn't take the photo, but I greatly appreciate its usage here.

July 12th Collage

I did this collage on my birthday, just past. The painted drawing of the lady is copied from a breast cancer article; I loved it and wanted to see if I could duplicate it. [I can't remember the article, but it seems the publication was Cooking Light - but maybe not.]

What I wrote on the opposite page is this:

"Today is my birthday. I always look inside to make certain I still know who I really am. At work, and sometimes in other places and at other times, I feel like the mannequin, someone who is very careful about her behavior because of my circumstances. But inside, I am soft, sometimes hurting, always honest, fragile but also strong, and today as I am copying/trying to painting this, I feel beautiful. My heart stays pure because I remember to laugh, and to love, and also to create."

"Want It" (visualization collage)

Left and Right sides of open spread collage/visualization. I love this one.

French Dream Collage

Collage with Red

These are the left/right sides of a journal layout -- I wanted to play with shades of cream as a base, and add red. LOVE the way it turned out. On the top left corner of the right side is a coffee filter -- I'll use it as the pocket for my journal entry.