Thursday, October 25, 2007

No Status Quo

I'm finding 46 to be a provocative, difficult age. It's almost as if being 16 again, adolescent, given the insecurities, the uncertainties ... when only a few weeks ago I wrote a poem about 'bones' and 'brave song of me'. The cycles of knowing who I am versus seeking external validation are killing me. This piece [45 minutes, not 10] is a cry to myself, a cry to my muse, a cry to my relationships one & all [established & new] -- I'm struggling to hold onto myself, so I need to be found, to be sought out, to be assured. It's aging, surely -- a very strenuous mental & emotional process of its own [who ever believes she will one day be 46?]. But there is also the intrusive knocking of menopause at my door, thrusting interruptions into a body & mind I had finally come to possess in an almost full capacity. Up down Up down the heart, along with a body sometimes so foreign to me in its changes that I feel like Mrs. Potato Head, as if some chubby little hand plunked my head down on the wrong spud but today I have to walk around in it anyway.

I will say that in my art [at last!!] I am finally learning to get below the surface -- it is no longer 'pretty pages', it is WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME. It doesn't always feel pretty, I promise. I think it is the time limit on the pieces - I work much more spontaneously, more quickly, WITHOUT ALL MY USUAL EDITING -- makes all the difference in the world with outcome. Much more revealing. I like it. And I'm scared to death of it.


Veronica said...

Wow, very deep blog post. I would love to say I know how you feel but I don't but I do know I will always be here for you. I can also tell you that menopause is NO FUN. IT will make you feel isolated, lonely, worhtless, gives you self doubt, makes you forget things and just drives you to be so tired.
It will get better this is my second bout with it and I know the games it can play with your mind and soul.
While I do agree that soul searching deep get in the bones what am I about is good I also believe that you do need days where there is just fluff. Gotta have those days to get through the tough days.
Friends can help and I know I am here for you if you need help.
I will always be.......