Saturday, January 5, 2008

Blatherskite Television in the Bedroom

It's bloody 12:24 a.m. and I am awake. You have to understand: this is unheard of. It's somewhat of a household miracle if I'm open-eyed at 9 p.m. Blame the fact that I'm a 4:45 a.m.-waking-up-girl, for no reason I can think of except I was abducted by aliens at some point in the last year and a half, who implanted a mini alarm clock in my left big toe, then plunked me back down in my bed with my memory erased and nothing but a hangnail to prove their plunder. What I'm trying to say is that I've been up a really really really really really long time. But see, Double BB is a night owl. Double BB loves watching old westerns at night while he's being a night owl, preening his feathers & usually noshing on popcorn or Lays BBQ chips (not exactly the world's most silent-going snacks, I might add). Not only that, some stupid blond who shall remain nameless decided a great wedding gift would be a massively ridiculously large television for the bedroom, which said unnamed stupid blond also actually agreed to have replaced once. [We have been married 21 years, after all - our marriage outlived one TV so far.] Combine Mr. Night Owl with Mr. Falls Asleep to the Lullaby of the Massively Ridiculous Television, and you have me: seething, broiling, tired as all get out, and awake at 12:30 a.m. 12:31 a.m. 12:32 a.m. Cuz, see, I need two things to go to sleep -- no, make that three. 1) Darkness. 2) Quiet. [That would mean no massively ridiculously large television lullabying in my vicinity. Neither popcorn nor BBQ chip noshing.] 3) Darkness and quiet together at just the point where I can actually feel sleep coming on, cuz if I lose that moment, it's all over. Then I'm awake at 12:33 a.m. frisking the closets & shelves & corners for a baseball bat, crow bar, or hefty stick with which to silence said blatherskite lullabying bedroom television.

Brides? Take the advice of an old married broad: DO NOT BUY THE MAN A MASSIVELY RIDICULOUSLY LARGE BEDROOM TELEVISION. Unless, of course, you happen to be a night owl & soothed by the sound of a television lullaby. In which case, excuuuUUUuse me.

12:39 a.m.