Output Versus Content/Personal Objective

My buddy Greg said: "Well, I was going to comment that you seem to have found your creative flow again based on your output, but then I see your rant this morning and wonder. What's up?"

I answered:

"Rant? Why 'rant'?

Creative flow being a subjective experience, what I want MOST is to be honest & fearless. I am, to-date, neither. Still doing veiled blog & journal entries, disguises, cryptic, definitely have NOT 'come out'. Seemingly deliberate about staying behind closed doors. It's EASIER to post prepped journal pages and 10-minute art than to get gritty, tell the truth about what i'm experiencing internally. It's also easier to manufacture such activities as preparing journal entries and doing 10-minute art than to get gritty, tell the truth (to myself I mean) about what I'm experiencing internally.

I've noticed that when I DO tell the truth, it's not allowed to be a transitional moment in others' eyes ... it's as if I'm on lock-down, like I've been poured into cement. If I say I'm down, i'm STUCK there. If I say I'm elated, I'm STUCK there. I think I'm going to curtail the whole blog thing anyway, because it's just one more reason/excuse NOT to do what I need to do self-to-self, and what I absolutely don't need is another place where I feel like I'm writing/arting for an audience.

My whole experience/challenge with journaling is that I want to capture the transitions of myself, mood, life, etc., and that's what they are, transitions, not ABSOLUTES. When I'm depressed and write about it, by the time others read it, I'm not 'there' anymore, but they see me frozen there. Ditto any other mood experience. It's emotional 'travel', fluidity, changeability ...

Anyway there is very little in the whole journaling experience that seems worthwhile to share ... at least I can't imagine anyone really being interested, especially if I'm EVER able to succeed in being honest, brutally so, and fearless about expressing that. Too threatening, too upheaving, for readers at large, I think."